YOU DON’T KNOW TRUE LONELINESS

AN INTELLIGENCE AGENT’S PERSPECTIVE

“I face a level of isolation that would make the layperson stop complaining about feeling lonely.  My work requires me to cut ties with any relationships I’ve had up until when I joined the Halo, not only to protect the agency, but also to keep any connections I had safe.  The layperson doesn’t know the true meaning of ‘alone’.  What people tend to call ‘loneliness’ is a joke to me.”

– Agent Yiuna, ANGEL IN BONDAGE

The following narrative is another one of my standalone writings, some drabbling in first person for agent Yiuna from ANGEL IN BONDAGE outside the main storyline.  You do not need to read what I have out of AiB first, but it would help add depth and meaning to what is written here.  For this short piece, I envision her resting in her room in the Halo’s lodging, in casual rumination.  She’s recently come back from an assignment and is taking residence at the Halo’s hotel, within the organization’s network of buildings across London. She stares out from the hotel window towards an inner garden, the calm before the next storm.

As usual, none of these offshoots are necessarily accurate to the true storyline, but I think these generally give a fair impression overall on the characters and how they are.  This excerpt didn’t receive as much refinement as my writing for the novel, but I like releasing less refined work from time to time so that my readers can see AiB’s creation process.

 

YOU DON’T KNOW TRUE LONELINESS

People like to say that they’re alone, that they feel lonely.  That they have no one.  But they’re not really alone.  Most usually have at least a person or two that truly cares about them on some personal level.  Friends, family.  People that they’re pretending to have forgotten about.  They purposefully isolate themselves from the people who care about them just to claim that they’re “alone”, conveniently forgetting their existence.  Such people might feel isolated and subsequently reject their own connections, but they tend to actually have people who care, despite what their ego claims.

But not me.  I’m actually alone.

 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE MY TRADE

Relationships are my trade.  Working for an intelligence agency means that I’m always around people that I need to get along with for whatever reason, whether for a shared or competing agenda, or with someone who wants a relationship with me for benefits. Yes, those kinds of benefits too.  It’s all become even less than a game.  Any person can be reduced down to a simple pile of motivations. Wants.  Desires.  Out in the field, it is my job to play them well and make them feel good.  I work with such people for the sake of my country.  I merely play a role.

Such interactions under an alias are not meaningful to me.  I don’t invest emotionally, despite what I make it appear to be. It wouldn’t fare well if I did, since those who get too involved with me tend to have things turn out badly for them.  They can end up dead. Especially if they’re men… But once an assignment is complete, I can finally drop my mask and head back to my reprieve, until I have to put on a different face.

My work requires me to cut ties with any relationships I’ve had up until when I joined, not only to protect the agency but also to keep my connections safe.  I had no such relationships at the time, which made things easier. I face a level of isolation that would make the layperson stop complaining about feeling lonely.  They don’t know the true meaning of “alone”.  What people call “lonely” is laughable to me.  But even then, I still prefer solitude.  I am enough for myself.

 

BEING SELF-RELIANT IS LESS DISAPPOINTING

I work alone and prefer it, and times like these are my reprieve. I’ve seen it all.  Humans are all the same.  They love or hurt each other over selfish wants and needs, to the point of being driven to ostracize, to systematically destroy, to kill anyone who is not their “kin”.  And even towards their kin, they’ll smile one day, and the next, they betray.  I’ve seen the same things happen my entire life.

But such relationships don’t matter much, as no one is reliable, anyway.  Everyone falls short: no one lives up to standard, or pulls through enough.  And I truly mean everyone.   Time has shown me over and over that I can only rely on myself.  People always disappoint me.  And no one will care for you as much you want them to, so it’s better for you to hold your own.  It’s a harsh truth that has been consistently reinforced my entire lifetime.  It’s much better to have “no one cares” as your baseline, and then ask yourself how you will handle things, knowing this as truth.  You’ll be very disappointed if you believe that anyone truly cares for their fellow man in this age.

My bar for my expectations on the dependability of others is on the floor.  It’s sad, but that’s just how it is.  At the very least, it has made me into the self-reliant person I am today.

 

SOLITUDE IS A BLESSING

But here, as I lay in bed looking over the inner garden, I’m at ease.  I can relax alone.  Humanity can leave me alone when I’m here.  I am whoever I need to be to the outside world, but I value the solitude I have here more.

If anyone else who claims to be “alone” dies tomorrow, they’ll have at least a few of those people whom they conveniently forgot about feel something for them upon their death, despite what they may claim.  Friends and family they decided to ignore, so that they could claim that they have no one.  But if I die tomorrow, nobody is going to cry at my funeral.  I’m not even allowed to have such flashy services upon death. The Halo will simply find a fill for my position, but the gears will continue to spin quietly without me.

I don’t have real relationships anymore, and it’s for the good of others, too, to not get too involved with me. If anyone would have cared about me deeply, they’re already gone from my life, or circumstance keeps them away from me. I live without anyone knowing me. The real me in all my facets, not the person I present myself to be to the outside world, for the sake of my job.  It’s a blessing in disguise that most people wouldn’t be able to handle.

 

AT YOUR SERVICE.

I hope that more people wake up and value their relationships more after reading an intelligence agent’s perspective.  No one is ever really “alone”, unless they have a job like Yiuna’s.  And even then, she isn’t completely alone, either, but she does have to create a lot of distance between herself and others.  One of her lovers does manage to break her out of her shell in Chapter 2 of ANGEL IN BONDAGE; this chapter is a romantic (and NSFW) oneshot I have written to let my readers get a feel for how I write.  I hope you give it a shot here…I’ve gotten a lot of readers to cry good tears over this scene.

You don’t have to agree with Yiuna’s views in her POV above, but it definitely is a vantage that can be appreciated for a lot of reasons.  It should humble some people who complain too much over trivial things.  She’s the type to charm a man when she needs to get along, but cringe inwardly at the human rubbish she has to deal with.

Zero also falls for Yiuna later, and he can sense that she’s more than the cold woman she presents herself to be, as she does here. I have written a longform poem on his feelings called WOMEN ARE FLOWERS that can be read here.  As usual, I highly recommend reading the few chapters of ANGEL IN BONDAGE I have out before reading any of my standalone writings on AiB’s cast, even if the poems and narratives can be enjoyed without having read it.

 

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